10 New Year Resolutions you won't keep

Following is a tongue-in-cheek take on some new year resolutions we bet more than a few of us have attempted! Do not take this list seriously. If you really want to quit smoking again — please give it a whirl. 

No. 1 – Quit Smoking

What’s this — the third year you’ve decided to quit? The fourth? Time to stop disappointing yourself. You realize these cancer sticks are slowly killing you, but you need a release dammit! How else are you supposed to wind down after a day of getting pushed around by ajummas, screaming kids, and neck-breaking stop/start bus rides? “Where the hell did these guys learn to drive?” you think. Relax. Light another. The stress dissipates like smoke out of your nostrils. Don’t sweat it – they’re only 2,500 won a pack.

No. 2 – Save Money

A responsible goal, but with your (insert travel/drinking/shopping) habits do you really think that’s possible? Up until now, would people have described you as “fiscally conservative?” What’s going to change? Are you up for a massive pay rise in 2012? Not likely. You’re in Korea, baby! It’s time to keep up with the Kims, not fall behind with the Joneses. Book that three-day whirlwind tour of Europe. Buy that Hermes handbag/manbag. Buy a round Cass at the bar. You got money to burn and you’re in the right place to do it!

No. 3 – Reduce the Booze

Notice “reduce,” not “quit.” Right there your concession exposes you for the boozehound you are. But, “once it hits my lips, it's so good!” you say. I know. I’ve been there. And I’ve got to say, if there’s one place to get your drink on, it’s Korea. Take heart. There is a technicality that may enable you to achieve this goal after all. Weren’t you consuming, on average, six standard drinks, six days a week last year? Well, what’s one less shot of soju this year? A reduction! Congratulations, you’re not the alcoholic that you say you’re not.

No. 4 – Learn Korean

I recently saw this on Facebook:

Foreigner: I’m having a Burger Bash!

Korean: 언제?

Foreigner:  What does that mean?

Korean: How long have you been in the ROK?

Foreigner: 8 years.

It gets worse when eventually you move back home and the conversation inevitably runs along the lines of “So how long did you live in Korea?” “9 years.” “So you speak Korean fluently then?” “Nope.” You know you should learn the language, but the question is, will you? The answer for most is “no.” The fact is you secretly love not comprehending any of what is being said around you, or to you. There’s something beautiful about being yelled at by a scowling ajumma and knowing she’s upset, but not giving a rats ass and politely smiling back, infuriating her further. Sometimes it’s pure bliss. Are you really going to give that up?

No. 5 – Go to the Gym

Look at your gut. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. No, your clothes didn’t shrink in the wash. Pretty soon that Air Supply t-shirt you said you’d never throw out will be a mid-riff. Didn’t you promise to rid yourself of this wobbly piece of lard three years ago? It wasn’t too bad back then, either. Now it’s grown to be your prominent feature. Not only that, but your ass has grown, you’re weak, and the thought of walking up the steps of a subway station only makes you dream of foot-longs. Going to the gym’s never going to happen. Besides, all the fit people that go there are wankers, right?

No. 6 - Lose Weight

When you went home the first time your mum said you looked “healthy.” When you went back the second time she said something about a “full figure.” She was strangely silent about your appearance this last visit. Your waist is ever-expanding, and the sooner you come to realize that the sooner you can go out and buy some pants that fit your fat ass. Skinny jeans are no longer an option for you, and it’s time you accept that. There are comfortable moo moos on sale at Namdaemun. Just 10,000 won.

No. 7 – Eat Better

Let's face it, every time you pass by KFC you hear that Tower Burger calling your name. You don't have the willpower to resist it. And what about the lunchtime McValue set? At that price it would be a crime not to buy one. The corn on your pizza constitutes your largest weekly vegetable intake. You've been living on donkas and ramyeon for the last six years. You can't start eating healthy food now any more than a golden bamboo lemur could start eating pork chops. Mmm, pork chops.

No. 8 – Have More Sex

You think you’re great in bed. The fact is you’re not. You think “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” is the best way to put “runs on the board.” It’s not. You don’t have moves like Jagger. Romance is not dead, but your sex life will be if you don’t learn the basics. Technique. Tenderness. Timing. But let’s face it: You’ve been bumbling your way through one drunken sexual encounter a year since you lost your virginity in ‘98. You can barely remember what breasts look like in person. Maybe you’ll get lucky with a double-header this year, but the odds are against it.

No. 9 – Read Books

You go to What The Book and buy a New York Times bestselling novel, determined to be one of “those” people. It’s an admirable goal. You’ll probably learn something, and be able to chime in around the water cooler with your more learned friends. But as you get comfortable on your orange pleather couch, the phone rings. “I’ll meet you at the bar in five.” Two weeks later you’re taking the long trip out to Bundang on the subway. You’re prepared, and have your new Kindle Touch. You settle down and turn it on only to start feeling a little sleepy. Your head grows heavy. You find a shoulder. And so goes your year of reading.

No. 10 – Become More Cultured

The mud festival’s a cultural thing, isn’t it? Yeah, right. You tried this before, remember? When you were dragged out to Icheon by your ex-girlfriend to watch the thrilling art of pottery-making? Or when your Korean dentist took you to a riveting a capella performance in Gwangwhamun. Those “artsy” things didn’t impress you then and they sure as hell won’t impress you now. Don’t pretend. It’s like nodding when the hipster at work asks you if you’ve heard the new Black Keys album, knowing damn well you haven’t heard a new album since the “City of Angels” soundtrack.